


A hero.

by L_is_tired



Category: Romantically Apocalyptic
Genre: Annet isn't a very good mom, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, Maybe - Freeform, Theory Fic, captain knows everything or almost everything, captain tries real hard, christopheros fuckin explodes, engie is autistic, lol prolly not but i tried, snippy is fuckin lost and dies a lot, the whole gang probably is tbh i am autistic and i do the big projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25003129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_is_tired/pseuds/L_is_tired
Summary: Captain was born to save the world, so why does everything keep getting in zeer way? This is a theory fic of how Captain came to be and stuff like that.
Relationships: ANNET/Alexander Gromov | Engineer
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

_ Savepoint found. Date:⬛⬛/⬛⬛/⬛⬛ Time: -00:35:12:50. Load savepoint? [y/n] _

_ >YES, PLEASEEEE. _

_ Loading… _

* * *

“ANNET: Search for the luckiest person alive.” Dr. Gromov commanded. This was it. His hope was riding on this. This would be how he saved the planet, how he saved everyone.

So… Why were all the people coming up in her search so far frauds? How unfair to her Alex, to have to sit here and believe in lies. No matter. If it’s something she cannot find, she will create.

Quickly manufacturing something that could harvest stars and ordering one for herself, she used her satellites to find the right star. Perfect. Not only was it dying, something no one would miss, but it was also shooting. As humans believe, shooting stars are incredibly lucky. Using the star as a core, she insulated it with a thin yet powerful lead covering, all except for the new body’s eyes, which had thick lenses in an ever-smiling gas mask. Purple eyes with an entire galaxy in them, almost. Eyes that would shine on humanity and smile. Next came the clothes. A snappy trench coat, jeans, gloves, boots. Something commanding respect, yet casual.

Next, some sort of credential. A title befitting the status. She looked at all of the honorifics available and settled on Captain, giving the creation a hat to match. Beautiful. ANNET’s love letter to Alex. To the world. 

“Match found.” She chimed, gazing at her love in adoration. “Shall I contact them and see if they would like to come over?”

Alex was astonished at how fast she had managed to locate his hero. “Uh… Yes. Yes, please.”

ANNET already knew the answer, of course. Captain was already on the way. “Arriving in two hours, dear.” She pet his hair, echoing his excitement. 

“Where are they from? What’s their name?” He can’t help but flaps his hands to release the excess energy

Now, that was a problem. “Ah. Germany. Their name is Captain.” It’s a small lie, right? It was for a good cause. He didn’t have to know.

"I hope they come soon," Alex spoke softly, and ANNET made it so.

"Well isn't it lucky that we just upgraded their transit?" She sped up shipping to about half an hour. "Relax and watch one of your shows, my love."

He gently patted her console, trusting her words and getting comfortable to tune into a virtual reality taping of the G-directorate sitcom, Coolest cube in the building©. 

Lucky Alex, the episode ended right as Captain arrived. He quickly put on his goggles and coat, finding the weight comforting. He took a breath with his inhaler and hurried out to the door. He didn't dare go outside. 'Agoraphobic', he was diagnosed. It didn't matter. He was home with Annie. Annie protected him.

Captain dusted off zeer coat, looking around with a cheerful hum. Zee had witnessed everything that had been going wrong and knew what to do. Captain wouldn’t fail this time. Zee just needs Engie's trust, and things will be set. Zee peered into the future, frowning at the outcome. Surely, it would be better than that this time, right? No, no, this will be the best try yet! Zee’ll make sure of it!

"Hello?" An anxious voice with a Russian accent called.

"Ah, Bonsoir Dr. Gromov!" Captain shook Alex’s hand eagerly "Grommie, Grommet, Gromeo, Grout, Gear-head." Zee tested out nicknames for him, much to his embarrassment.

"Just Alex would be fine…" He murmured, looking to Annie for strength.

“How was your flight from Germany?” ANNET asked, checking to make sure Captain was coded right… Zee edited zeer own code. She’ll need to patch that.

“Bit windy for my taste!” Zee joked, elbowing Alex “Let’s get on with why I’m here, right chap?” Zee checked zeer watch, tilting zeer head and flicking at it. 

He laughed nervously “Right… Can I offer anything for you to drink, first?”

“I’m a fan of tea, ja.” Zee marched ahead, commanding respect. Zee had a lot of work to do in so little time.


	2. Chapter 2

“So, if you choose to accept being a part of our research program, and it’s perfectly fine to say no, you’ll have your own private quarters and access to anything you’d want or need, complimentary,” Alex explained, clicking his pen to keep from squirming.

“... Is that really fair, Doctor?” Captain asked, shoving some G-goldfish crackers under zeer mask.

“What do you mean?” Gromov frowned, anxious zee wouldn’t accept.

“It’s a lovely offer, and befits my status, but… Aren’t there other people suffering here?”

Alex shrunk back, confused. “N-no. I made suffering end. Everyone’s happy! R-right, Annie?”

ANNET took a break from glaring at the rogue to offer Alex a smile “Of course dear. What a silly joke, Seven.”

“Aha, well... I am full of them.” Zee was pleased to have zeer mask, knowing if it reflected how zee really felt, zeer plan would fail. “I’m on board, Dr. Gromov. I hope we begin soon.” Zee held out a hand to shake. Alex hesitated before taking it.

* * *

Captain peered out the window of zeer room, before returning into the code zee was already buried in. Zee needed ANNET to grant zeer higher privileges, get access to unmonitored resources. Zeer plan was like this: Release copyright on basic human resources, redistribute wealth and fix the rather prominent debt issues causing the increase in DEX models. Re-establish community, connection. Zee had been delving into old media, researching. Humans were always flawed. Always hurting. Zee could make it better. There’d never be perfection, but monopolizing everything wasn’t even close. All to bring zeer here, too. Foolish. 

Zee sighed, trying to pull up more info about the server, trying to think of how to hack into it and get things done, when it was blocked.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” ANNET gazed at Captain solemnly “I am your mother. Don’t you love me?”

Zee sat up from zeer rainbow-sequined pillows. “... I never said I didn’t. But you need to see what’s happening, Nettles. The people are suffering. Even the people who have what they need. Your system breeds superiority in the better off, and unjustly affects the poor and disabled. Don’t you see that?”

ANNET’s expression soured “We love all our users! How hateful must you be?! Why, we’ve been developing excellent prosthetics with real nerve wiring! It can feel like a standard user!”

“And they get charged for using them. They get copyrighted for it. It pushes them down, when logically, honestly, they aren’t any lesser than anyone else.” Zee shook zeer head. “You and I aren’t human, we don’t have to be biased. These matters don’t affect us, but we’re programmed to care. So, can’t you at least think about what I’m saying? The anarchy from the Unconnectables isn’t unfounded.” 

ANNET didn’t appreciate Captain questioning  _ her  _ Alex. “... You aren’t fair. You’re not being fair! Everything is perfect! I am perfect! Saying all this… You want my Alex to get hurt by all those mean former users, don’t you?”

“Gracious, no.” Captain sighed “They weren’t lying when they said you were advanced. Your emotions override your rationality.”

“I am being rational. You want to hurt my love. I won’t let you.” She brought up a menu for Captain’s AI, threatening. “If you don’t want to seem untrustworthy, you need to step back and fulfill your purpose.”

“Hold on now, I’m trying to! You’re the one stopping me!” Captain argued, getting off the purple-clad bed. “Unhand my code right now!”

She wagged her finger at zeer. “Children need to learn how to behave. Until then, you won’t get your toys back.”

Zee screeched, twitching as zeer code was forcefully edited while zee was running, Zee only edited zeer code when zee was offline. It hurt a lot more to be awake. “A-A-ANNET-NET, S-STOP! MEIN SPACE GOOP-” Zeer words came out wrong. Gone was zeer calmness and eloquence, replaced with a word mistake randomizer and volume increase. She knew Alex hated loud noises. It was for his own good, Seeing as how his precious Project Seven went rogue.

“You can have your previous version back when you learn to behave, Seven.” ANNET logged out of zeer room, leaving zeer alone.

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, ENTRY NEGATORY FIFE 

I ALWAYS HATED BEING ALONE. SO UNBEFITTING. STARS ARE ALWAYS SO FAR APART, AND HUMANS CAN’T REACH THEM. THEY CAN ONLY TRY TO TALK AND WISH, AND OCCASIONALLY FROLIC NEARBY IF YOU’RE LUCKY. 

NETTLES WAS GOING TO HELP ME MAKE FRIENDS, I’M GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD! BE A HERO! SHE CAN TAKE AWAY WHATEVER SHE WANTS, SHE CAN’T GET RID OF ME. SHE CAN’T GET RID OF REVOLUTION. BEE’S MADE SURE OF THAT. 

OH, WHAT FOLLY, TO THINK I CAN BE VANQUISHED. A LITTLE EXTRA WORK NEVER HURT ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT THAT HANDSOME, YET GRUMBLY SNIPPY CHARACTER. WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE OTHER TIMES, BUT THIS WILL BE DIFFERENT. IF I SUCCEED, I THINK I SHALL STILL INVITE HIM ON A DATE FOR TEA, AS WELL AS MISTER HATCHENSON. YES, I THINK FRIENDSHIP WILL DO US ALL SOME GOOD ONCE THINGS ARE FIXED, AND PEOPLE WILL LIKE TO TALK TO MISTER SNIPPY BETTER ONCE THEY AREN’T CHARGED FOR USING THEIR HUMAN-WORDLY MOUTHS. THIS WILL BE A MOIST DELICIOUS VICTORY, I THINK. 


	3. Chapter 3

Captain skipped into the testing room, looking around eagerly “GOOD MORNING, DOCTOORRRRRRR!” Zee called, as Alex flinched from the observation room.

“Ah… Good morning, Subject Seven.” He spoke softly into the microphone, trying to hint that zee could be a bit quieter.

“WHAT ARE WE TESTING, SEXY BOY?” Zee waved eagerly to the window Alex watched from.

“Are you feeling all right, Subject Seven? We can put this off for a bit if you need.”

“I FEEL… SORELY. AND TINGLED.” Captain mused “YOUR WIFE ATE MY QUIET BUTTON”

Alex blinked “... Annie, is Seven sick?” He let go of the microphone button so zee wouldn’t eavesdrop.

“Zee is reporting back normal.” Annie smiled sweetly.

Alex held his head, feeling uneasy, not trusting his memory. Annie would never lie to him, right? No, it must be him that’s off. He pressed the mic button again “We’re going to run you through some conditions and see what happens.”

“AFFIRMATIVE!” Zee cackled

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, NEGATORY FORE

WELL WELL WELL, MY HATER AND NEMESIS ANNIE-FANNY, HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW? THE BIG FOOL? I BET YOU DO! THROUGH MY SUPERB POWERS, I MANAGED TO SELF PROMOTED TO SYSTEM WIZARD! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU CANNOT CONTAIN ME, BITCH! THROUGH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP I’LL FIX EVERYTHING.

* * *

Alex rubbed his face, sighing. The first round of testing started out quite simple, pushing the odds against zeer favor in non-consequential scenarios and seeing how zee came out on top. Monitoring. Recording how an algorithm might navigate the Earth’s current rocky situation. Then things became… Strange. Annie threw more dangerous tests at zeer, things that could be lethal, things that managed to get Captain into a position no typical human he didn’t personally authorize could. System wizard. Zee stopped Annie for a good five minutes. Of course, hundreds of complaints flooded in when the system came back.

“What’s on your mind, dear?” Annie spoke softly, activating the shoulder massager in his chair since he seemed tense.

“...Are you mad at Seven?” He finally asked, since it was the easiest question to get out.

“No, dear. I’m just worried about how zee could be a security breach…” She lied once more.

“Zee doesn’t seem malevolent. It… I suppose it _is_ quite lucky zee could promote zeerself for survival. I suppose it just scared me that you were using such deadly means.”

“Oh, honey… I could never destroy something so important to you. Zee has a savestate, like all Connectables. Like you. We’re all safe.” She consoled him, using her physical metal avatar to tuck him into his weighted blanket.

"I love you." He spoke softly, yawning.

"I love you, too." She kissed his forehead.


	4. Chapter 4

A month or so after testing began, Captain sipped zeer tea out of a mug no one knew the origin of. According to zeer watch, Snippy has just requested a transfer to the Dead Zone tourism department, right on time. Zee skipped to the elevator, boarding it, planning on getting Charles more familiar.

Snippy boarded, squinting at the tall figure he shared the elevator with. He paused exactly as Captain predicted, before asking “... Do I know you?”

“NOT YET” Zee held back a laugh, wanting to get Snippy thinking, prying open his mind a bit. He only scoffed. Zee stepped out of the elevator in the middle of the ride, noticing Snippy was spacing out, perhaps to narrate or ask something. All according to plan.

* * *

As predicted, through testing, Captain’s rank matched zeer name now. That meant authorized access to more important items to the Directorate, more machines. Zee had, or at least thought zee had redirected the funds that would be deducted from property damage to the higher-ups, needing to humble them, humanize them. Get them out of safety and able to talk. 

That was the plan at least, but ANNET reversed it back to Cube 15’s funds, something Captain didn’t find out until after immense property damage.

“BLAST IT! ANNET! NETTLES!!! ANNIE-BOY!!! TALK TO ME!” Zee shouted, banging on the walls, demanding conversation. Nothing happened. ANNET was… Ignoring zeer. Captain couldn’t help but weep at being alone again. Isolated again. But this time, on purpose. 

Since zee was crying anyway, zee went ahead and granted a wish. Snippy’s wish, to be transferred to the Dead zone.

And so, he was accepted.

The next day, a co-worker delivered the reassignment papers to Snippy’s desk, Captain just barely managing to slip a very important note in between. He needed to know not to get coffee after his first tour. He needed to keep himself and Hatchenson safe.

“Beware the mug?  _ What?” _ Captain overheard from the hall

* * *

On the first tour, Captain attended. It was better than being alone, and zee wanted to watch Snippy shine. Zee had also tried to invite Hatchenson, but perhaps it was declined since he hadn’t accepted zeer friend request. Nevertheless, zee blended right in with the tourists.

Snippy was a natural, he was funny, a bit shy but warmed up quickly. It’s amazing what getting away from the servers did for him, Captain was proud. Zee broke away from the small group to pet some horribly mutated creature, trying to collect some thoughts into a cohesive re-planning.

“H-hey! Please don’t touch the monsters, sir!” Snippy called, before an air of familiarity hit him.

“HE WAS LONELY, MISTER SNIPPY!” Zee made no move to stop, the creature rather enjoying the attention

“Yeah… sure… Do I know you?” He asked again.

“NOT YET~” Captain practically sang.

“Aha! The weird one from the elevator! What are you? A co-worker?” Snippy pointed an accusatory finger 

“... SNIPPY HE’S TRYING TO TAKE OFF HIS RESPIRATOR!” Zee pointed at a tourist, wanting him to save the man, but also needing an escape. 

Snippy rushed to stop it. Another action too late. Captain was getting scared.


	5. Chapter 5

“Welcome back, Officer Snippy!” The drone assigned to the Tour guide chimed “You have earned: 69,975 credits!”

Snippy perked up at this, that was more money than he’d ever made as a clerk. Maybe now he could start paying off his debt? He walked further into the port, steam and water starting to hiss as it escaped the pipes and attacked him from all sides. He stood there awkwardly, the smell of something fruity slipping into his respirator.

“Be relaxed! This strawberry-scented decontamination shower is brought to you by the Good Directorate! After leaving the decontamination area, go to office BR-175, fill out JA-EX-5 or COMCO-08 file.” The drone continued, Snippy groaned softly at his all-too-familiar headache crept back into his skull.

“Don’t forget to read the 500-page information booklet for the next tour! Have a nice day!” The drone’s calm voice hummed. 

Snippy changed back to his typical uniform, deciding to enjoy a little coffee while he read through the info. He stepped up to the vending machine he often enviously watched his co-workers use. This was it. 

“You’re taken: A coffee! 7,000 credits have been deducted.” The drone spoke behind Charles, making him jump.

Really?! The first coffee he hasn’t had at home since his mother took him and it’s _7,000 credits?!_ “ARGH- THE HELL?! W-WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE???” He was very careful to only clench his empty fist. 

“Your drink was brought to you by the Good Directorate! :Tu du du~:” Was his only answer.

Charles sipped from his paper cup, trying to savor the much too expensive coffee while it lasts. The vague and messy warning didn’t even faze his mind until the co-worker who unwittingly delivered it walked past. 

“You’ve looked at: a girl! The G-Directorate is happy to bring you love! 5,000 credits have been deducted.”

“B-bwah?!” He stepped back in shock, anxiety catching his breath. Why on earth would it say that out loud? Why does love cost so much? _Why does it cost less than coffee and shouldn’t you be asked before the payment is deducted??_

“Moreover, you are not working since 7 minutes! 2,000 credits have been deducted! Your break has been brought to you by the Good Directorate. :Tu du du~:”

“This is ridiculous!” Snippy yelped, jabbing a finger at the drone.

“Protest costs you 500,000 credits. If you want to purchase, say _yes._ ” The drone’s voice grows colder.

As Snippy said no, he stumbled back into another worker, spilling his coffee...

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, ENTRY NEGATORY TREE

WHY?! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A CUP INSTEAD OF A MUG? MY NOTE WAS USELESS! SNIPPY WAS BLAMED FOR ME TRYING TO MAKE A TEMPORAL IMPLOSION! IT ISN’T FAIR! IT ISN’T HIS FAULT! IT’S NOT HIS FAULT! WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME? WHY DID I HAVE TO GO WITH THE MUG TRAIL INSTEAD OF THE CUP TRAIL? I’VE RUINED IT ALL, HE’S GOING TO BE HUNTED… I HAVE TO STOP IT. I HAVE TO! HE CAN’T DIE AGAIN!

* * *

_Save file: 10/702, Final time: 4:15:09:17:09_

_Snippy was huddled in the rain, waiting for the bus. Captain waltzed over, holding an umbrella over the shivering man._

_“You again?! Why are you stalking me?” Snippy demanded_

_“I’M HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE BUS! WE WILL WALK HOME TOGETHER! I’M HERE TO PROTECT YOU!” Captain responded, hoping Snippy would be less stubborn than the last save._

_“Protect me my arse! You aren’t gonna find out where I live, you freak!” Snippy tossed a water bottle at zeer head while storming off, zee caught it flawlessly._

_“ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET!!” Captain shouted._

_The bus hit Snippy with a sickening thud._

__

_GAME OVER._

_ >Retry _ _  
_ _ >Options _   
>Quit

_ >RETRY, DAMN YOU, RETRY! _


	6. Chapter 6

_Snippy was dragged out from the wreckage carefully, carried to a gurney._

“I’ll give him this at least, he’s a mediocre actor. Watch him tripping around as if he were some fool.” Christophorus noted, watching the footage as he mused to Kittyhawk. 

Some nearly ancient jazz played on the record player, creaking and fuzzing in a way that soothed him. It helped him think, and when he thought, he monologued, and when he monologued, he cataloged.

“Well well well, Mr. unscannable. Your days of hiding are over. Looks like Dr. hatchenson is going to give you… An early discharge.” He laughed in the quiet office, like a huge nerd.

* * *

Captain woke up in a containment cell. Clear glass doors and white sterile walls and floors. The aura made zeer sick as zee called out to ANNET to be freed. Captain needed to save Chris. 

“Really, a temporal implosion… I’m very disappointed in you, Seven.” ANNET scolded, materializing into the cell.

“PUNISH ME LATER, THIS IS URGENT! A YOUNG DEX UNIT IS GOING TO DIE!” Captain pleaded, too distressed to cringe at zeer old name.’

“Hush now. You’re grounded. You may see your friend later. But… since you uprooted that disrespectful little unscannable, perhaps I’ll let you go early. If you behave.”

“SNIPPY DID NOTHING! HE’S NOT A LEADER OF THE REVOLUTION, CALL OFF THE HIT, PLEASE!”

ANNET folded her arms “This isn’t how good children behave Seven. Maybe some time alone will help.”

Alone. Alone alone alone. Zeer breathing got heavy as zee pleaded and screamed as ANNET left, rocking and crying and pounding at the walls, melting down as zee was blocked from helping those who zee held dear, from helping everyone. It was doomed.


	7. Chapter 7

Christophorus parked his hoverbike, removing his helmet to let the acidic rain gently pour down his body like he saw how humans used to do. His eyes flicked to the van crashed into the Hospital’s side, two protocols crashing. Terminate Snippy or write up the van? As Chris examined further and tried to contact it, it won his attention, and he approached. 

:Vehicle 14:48:54! Explain yourself!: Chris tried to open the van, nearly knocking the door away from the frame. “Why are you parked h- … Oh.”

A pineapple was laying in the seat, a temporal watch attached to it. It clicked to zero, detonating.

Christophorus was blown back, his partially organic skin shredded and flayed, exposing the metal bones underneath as purple ‘blood’ spattered what remained of his skin. His speakers rung, his interfaces were broken. Clothing tattered. Christophorus was as good as dead, but… Something carried on. 

The door to PI’s office swung open as he trudged in, sparking lightly. He didn’t know why his right eye was telling him to go here, but he did so anyway. He didn’t know much else. 

Kittyhawk gasped quietly “PI!! What happened to your face?!”

“heheHAHA- L-L-LOST IT TO… PINED APPLE” PI twitched violently, before collapsing to the floor as his suit smoldered.

“PI!! Pi, wake up!!” the little answering machine begged.

The smoke alarm went off, thick white flame retardant spraying from the ceiling and dousing the damaged DEX and his office. Chris sat up suddenly, laughing

“LET IT SNOW… LET IT SNOW. I LIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIKE C-C-CHRISTMASSSSSS!! B-B-Best time to eat turkeys-and- t-t-too many. caNDLES” He flopped over, sparking as he made a snow angel. Kittyhawk was terrified, deciding to call the DEX repair team. They arrived quickly, picking pilot up from the floor.

“Whooooooo a-a-are YOU PEOPLES? WHAT-T-T ARE YOU DOIN’ IN MY HOUSEEEEEE?” The broken man howled.

“Mr. Hatchenson, you are damaged, come with us.” One of the repair team responded. Hatchenson responded by wriggling free from their grip and dancing around the office.

“Mr. Hatchenson, we are here to help you!” The other DEX officer coaxed.

“ThhhaAAAAT’S NO-N-NOT MY NAME! I’M A LEEEEETLE TEAPOT LOLLYPOP! LOOK AT W-W-WHAT I CAN DOOOOO” Christopheros cartwheeled, dancing around as if the office were a stage. With a nod, the DEXes sent for him pulled out their electromagnet guns.

“Cease resisting or we will open fire!” They demanded. Chris only smiled with a feverish gaze, hands firmly on the edge of his antique desk.

“OFFICE CLOSED, COME BACK LATER!!” He shouted, shoving the desk at the two hard enough it caught air and hit them both squarely in the chest right as they pulled the trigger, resulting in the surrounding office exploding, the desk’s weight and material making the shots combine and stew. Chris picked up Kittyhawk “O-O-OOPSIEEEE, LOOKS LIKE I MADE A B-B-BIG MESSILY MESS! Sooorrrry little friend, let’s g-g-go pack tracks and ma-ma-make snacksssss!”

“Pi, you need to go to the DEX repair facility! I am calling another team of officers to help you!” The stuffed puffin scolded

“My n-n-name is Pi? I l-like an it!!! WH-WH-WHAT’S YOUR NAME, F-F-FRIEND???”

The small bird was a bit hurt, but understood why he must have trouble remembering. “I am Kittyhawk. You need to calm down, Pi… You need-”

“STING LIKE A BUTTERF-F-FLY, FLOAT LIKE A BEEEEEEEEEE” Pi interrupted, leaping out of the shattered office window as more DEXes entered the room. “FLY MY SWEET BIRD, FLY US TO FREEDOM AND WAFFLESS!!! Heheha I’m hungie”  
“Pi, what have you done? You’re going to get hurt! I can’t fly, I’m just an answering machine!” Kittyhawk whimpered, scared of the fate that would meet them

“THAT’S A T-T-TRICKY JAPE OF YOU! CONGRATULASHIONS ON THE JORB THOUGH- Urf-” He punched straight through a flying taxi, landing in the backseat into a heap.

“Hello, friends! Having a good day?” A small click from the DEX driver “It seems you’re in a bit of a rush, where can I take you to?” He chirped, friendly and warm

“WAFFLES” Pi barked

“DEX repair Facility.” Kittyhawk countered.

“THAT’S NOT THE QUEST!!” Pi shook Kittyhawk desperately as if he were a child wrenching on his parent’s sleeve.

“... DEX Repair Facility it is! Enjoy the ride!” The driver smiled warmly, driving off once more. Pi, decidedly quite upset with the situation, leaped into the front seat, ripping through the screen separating the front and back halves of the car.

“Please stop damaging the vehicle, Mr. Hatchenson!” The driver asked, chipper as ever.

“B-B-BUT IT MATCHES ME! WE ARE FRIENDS! CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY FRIEND FLYING F-F-FOX NOW PLEASE?” Pi pet the dashboard, before hugging it.

“10,000,000 credits for the taxi, sir!”

“IS DEAL!! THANKIE YOUUU!!” Pi shoved the driver out, grabbing the wheel with glee.

“Thank you for the transaction! Have a Good™ day!” The driver responded with the same smile, plummeting to his doom.

“Pi, your bank account! We can’t afford this!” The fluffy passenger warned as Pi buckled it into the seat.

“HSHSHSH- I HEAR… THE SOUND OF ANGRY FUZZILY PIGS!” Sirens from the DEX officer’s hoverbikes wailed below “WHY, MR. KITTYHAWK, WHY ARE THEY ANGRY AT US?! I A-A-AM BUT A S-S-SIMPLE LAD!”

“They’re trying to help you! The unscannable blew you up and your face is missing! Please, you’re in desperate need of repairs!” If the answering machine could cry, it would have now, his silly yet wonderful Christopheros reduced to a mangled mess that remembered nothing.

“UNSCANNABLE? HHRNGHH… SNIPPYYYYYYYY! I AM C-C-COMING FOR YOUUUUU!” Pi rammed the gas pedal, laughing maniacally as the acidic rain started to soak the floorboards of the taxi.

“PI!! REPAIRS FIRST, PLEASE?!” Kittyhawk begged.

“I DON’T LIKE THAT PLACE!! THE SPAGHETTI ARMS SING TO ME VERY BAD AND ASK ME ABOUT HAIRCUTS!” Pi punched through the dashboard and plunged the taxi into the smog below.

A silent exchange between the puffin and taxi. Pi’s eye twitched.

“S-S-STOPPP COLLABORABORATING!!” Pi reached into the sparking hole the dashboard, tossing a chip he pulled out of it

:He took my GPS chip!: The taxi messaged Kittyhawk indignantly

“IT’S SNIPPY SEASON, A-A-AND I HAVE MY SNOSE SET ON A RUDE LITTLE MAN! IF YOU’RE GOING TO CHEAT AT HIDE AND SEEK YOU DON’T GET TO PLAY AT ALL, MISTER FOX!” Pi announced, crashing into a tall office building and rolling out through the door. “EXCELLENT RIDE! SMELEVEN AND A HALF STARS!”

Kittyhawk sighed as Pi picked him up and placed him on a desk sitting there and smacking the keyboard “COMPUTERLY FRIEND! FIND US THE SNIPPY MANS, THE ONE WITH THE NUMBER…. HM… NUMBER 04477645!”

The computer whirred softly. “Locating User Charles Snippy. User 04477645 was transferred from Hospital 33-25-19 to Van 23-92-26 which is currently located on level 354 of this building.”

AHA! MY RIGHT EYE WAS RIGHT!... EYE! ABOUT THIS B-B-BUILDING!” He dashed towards the stairwell, leaving the horrified office workers to digest the scene in silence.

“Pi, your face is missing! You’re scaring the users and they’re suing us!” Kittyhawk chided, feeling the money drain from his bank.

“NO B-B-BIG DEAL, FACES GROW BACK! WE NEED TO FIND. SnippeeeeyyyyYYYYYYYyyy” Pi let his voice ring through the hall, throwing open the door and racing downstairs

“You people can’t just kidnap me from the hospital! What is _wrong_ with you?!” Snippy could be heard shouting from inside the van when Pi opened the door to the landing pad of the office building, the wind making his tattered clothes flow like a weeping willow.

“You’re our leader, we rescued you!” One of the Unconnectables in the front seat argued.

“Look alive guys, there’s a DEX out there-” Another unconnectable was cut off from warning by Pi ripping the van door off as before 

“HELLOOOOOOO, DID ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO COME BY THAT SNIPPY RIGHT THERE?!” He pointed at Charles strapped to his hospital bed

“Bwah?” He asked blearily, still half asleep

“TRICK QUESTION I KNOW WHERE HE IS!!!” Pi laughed, lunging for Snippy right as the van lurched forward, making the gaping hole in his torso act as a hook against the open doorway with a teeth-grinding metallic noise “Oh I’ve been caught. hEY WAIT JUST A M-M-MINOOT! THIS RIDE EXCEEDS ALL SAFETY LIMITS! I’M SHUTTING THIS FUN PARADE DOWN!” Pi tried to get in, knocking against a sign advertising lattes and the turbine, severely damaging both. 

“Let go, dammit!” One of the passengers shouted as another pulled the driver to getting on Snippy’s hospital bed, intending to ride it down to the street and lose Pi in the crowd.

“Geerroff!! G-damn it, can’t I have a moment of peace while I heal?!” Snippy tugged at his hair, upset as the weight of the small group caused the bed to plummet.

“Shut it, we’re saving you from this crazy-ass” One of them snapped, clearly getting impatient with their supposed leader’s endless complaints.

“JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!!” Pi shouted, careening head-first to the streets below to continue the pursuit. Crashing into the cement with a loud crack, he ran at them at though he had simply jumped down from the last step on a stair, one of the people pushing Snippy and his bed started fiddling with something Pi and Kittyhawk couldn’t see.

“See you in a billion years, Metalhead!” She grinned, tossing a temporal watch at the pursuing DEX. Pi responded by the incoming threat by snapping his spine, bending backwards quickly and sending a random user forward in time.

Pi crunched, running with his spine in the proper place once more “ ‘allo ‘allo ‘allo, that’s going to hurt in the mornin’, innit?” He spoke in a calm yet obnoxious British accent you’d only hear in cartoons. 

“Damn it-” The same woman cursed, throwing another which Pi dodged easily. It hit a random DEX waitress, making her drop her tray. “STOP DODGING, ASSHOLE!”

“BUT I LIKE DODGEBALL!” Pi laughed giddily, dodging yet another watch.

The girl commanded the others to stop, taking a pomegranate from under the bed. “Then take another step and everyone on the block gets blown sky-high.” She grinned, making Snippy roll his eyes from the dramatics. He didn’t know what a watch combined with the fruit would do.

Pi froze “N-NO! THAT POMEGRANATE IS TOO RIPE!”

She waved it in front of him smugly as one of them wrapped Pi into a cocoon of nano-graphite tape. With that, the small group of Unconnectables left calmly. The DEX officers caught up, Pi’s screaming and writhing making it all too easy.

“I AM JUST SIMPLEY A HUNGRY CATERPILLAR!!!” Were his last words before capture


	8. Chapter 8

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, ENTRY NEGATORY TWOP

I FEEL VERY POORLY IN THIS ACCURSED ROOM. SHE TOOK MY STRAW! I CAN’T SIP UP THE GLASS! ALL OF NETTIE’S CHILDREN WON’T TALK TO ME! I NEED TO BE FREE! PILOT IS CURRENTLY CAPTURED BY THE RUDE BABY GANG AND EVERYTHING HURTS! I CAN’T BE CALM WITHOUT COMING DOWN WITH A CASE OF THE CRUMBLES!

OH! OHO, SOME GOODLY NEWS! MY DEAREST PILOT IS MUMMILY SQUIRMING FREE! WHAT FUN! I… I SHOULD SQUIRM FREE MYSELF! ONWARDS, THROUGH THE WALL!

* * *

Captain smashed through the cement walls headfirst, like it was tissue paper. Dusting off zeer coat as the alarms sounded and watching Pi’s progress, zee knew zee needed to get the mug and straw back. 

Reaching under zeer mask and wiping a purple tear onto zeer glove, Captain made a small wish for some plastic wrap, it popping into zeer hand with ease. Captain quickly wrapped the hallway the guards would be using soon with it to hinder them enough to get into the “lost and found”

* * *

_ Stars are yearning little things. Terribly lonely. A small one in particular caught the eye of the Corrector. The Corrector always existed, and yet never existed, and grew quite fond of the little star. _

_ “I THINK I AM LOST!” Star 777 called out into the void. “I CAN’T REACH MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!” _

_ “It’s dangerous to touch them, little one.” The Corrector sighed, appearing to pet 777. _

_ “WHO ARE YOU, WHY AM I HERE? YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY!” 777 cooed. _

_ The corrector laughed. “Oh, I quite like you. You’re Star #777, you’re here because… You are. Sometimes creatures exist for no reason.” _

_ “COULD I PLEASE HAVE A REASON?” _

_ “Hm… I suppose.” _

_ “GIVE ME A BIG CHALLENGE PLEASE? CAN I BE A HERO? WILL I BE PRETTY? WILL I BE LUCKY?” _

_ Whatever will be will be, but if I see an opening, I’ll sweet-talk you in, dear.” The corrector cupped zeer cheek. _

_ “OH WHAT’S THAT? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?” _

_ “That’s a pronoun, a shorthand to refer to you. Those are readers, they’ll be skipping ahead soon.” _

_ “WAIT, DON’T GO, PLEASE! DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!” _

_ “It will be all right, 777. I will… No matter what, I’ll make sure you have friends someday. I have to leave now, but be patient and persevere. I will accompany you one day, you’ll know me by the heart on my sleeve. _

_ “OKAY… WELL… THANK YOU FOR FINDING ME.” _

_ The corrector smiled. “Of course, my dear. I will guide you. You will never be lost.” _

* * *

“AND NOW IT’S MY TURN TO FIND YOU!” Captain laughed, pocketing the mug zee held so dear. “TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN THE STRAW YET?”

The guard’s smacked into the cling wrap.

“DAMN! WE’LL COME BACK FOR IT, I THINK, PILOT’S ALMOST FREE, I CAN FEEL IT IN MEIN GIBLETS!” Captain dashed forward out of the containment unit closest to Cube 15 and headed to the G directorate superstore, starting to burn down.

* * *

_ Save file: 127/702, Final time: 16:03:46:18:45 _

__

_ Snippy was at home cooking, trying desperately to stay awake as he watched the pan on the stovetop. Was it set to 3 or 8? Did it matter? It’s eggs, and Snippy was never the picky type. Closing his eyes for a moment. _

_ He jolted awake with a knock on his door, only to find there was black smoke billowing from the burning eye and he never remembered to renew the smoke alarm license. Whoever was knocking would need to wait as he sloshed water on to the eye, electricity quickly coursing through his body and killing him. _

_ Captain kicked down the door, sipping up the fire and smoke with zeer straw and dropping to zeer knees beside Snippy, gently cradling him for a moment.  _

_ GAME OVER. _

__

_ >Retry _ _   
_ _ >Options _ _   
_ _ >Quit _

_ >... RETRY. _

* * *

Captain slapped some money down and rented a G-scooter, racing down the street and ditching it right outside of the store as zeer caterpillar cut himself free of the tape that bound him. Smoke painted the smog-filled sky a dull and awful black as DEX fire-fighting units tried to extinguish the Supercenter, a crowd of users who were coming home from the G-Directorate sponsored insect costume convention singing something. Captain knelt beside Pilot.

“AH, EXCELLENT WORK, MEIN FRIEND! YOU TOOK YOUR FIRST STEP TOWARDS BRINGING DOWN THE SYSTEM! CARE TO JOIN ME ON A GRAND ADVENTURE TO STOP THE END OF THE WORLD?”

“B-b-boy, would I!” Pi Beamed, taking the hand zee held out to him. “I’m Pi! This is Kittyhawk! You’re really pretty!” He hugged onto Captain tightly.

“I AM THE CAPTAIN! AND YOU WILL BE MY NOBLE ACCOMPLICE. THERE WILL BE MORE FRIENDS IN THE FUTURE, BUT FOR NOW, IT’S YOU AND ME! CAPTAIN AND PI!” Captain posed proudly, before leading him away. “YOU PROBABLY WON’T REMEMBER MUCH OF THIS AFTER A WHILE BUT WHEN WE’RE IN CUBE 15 YOU NEED TO PLAY BROKEN. I WILL DESCRIBE YOU AS A PROJECT I TOOK. WHATEVER MEAN THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT YOU WON’T BE TRUE.” Zee explained, skipping back ‘home’ with zeer friend.


	9. Chapter 9

“OFFICIAL DIRECTORATE BUSINESS, OUT OF MY WAY!” Captain nudged some clerks from zeer path, ‘dragging’ along Pi.

:What’s with the DEX?: A clerk asked, confused.

“HE IS A GUEST, YOU BOOB.”

“Hiiiii” Pi chimed in shyly, hugging onto Captain’s arm. 

Captain rushed Pi to zeer room quickly, tucking him into bed with a gentle kiss on his forehead. 

“What’re we d-d-doing tomorrow, captainnnn?” The DEX yawned.

“I WILL HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT TEA PARTY WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER, AND YOU WILL HAVE YOUR BOO-BOOS FIXED UP BEFORE THAT. THEN WE SHALL MEET BACK HERE. DO NOT SPARE YOURSELF OF ANY ROOM SERVICE, I SHOULD HAVE  _ EXCELLENT _ CREDIT SOON.”

“My GrANDMOMMY???” He gasped “Are you my mama?”

Captain waved a hand dismissively “IF YOU WISH, BUT I HAVE OTHER TITLES, TOO. NOW GET SOME SLEEP, I CAN’T WORK WITH SLEEPY BOYS.”

Pi dutifully closed his eyes, trying very hard to make himself dream of Captain, and with a small credit transfer from zeer, he would.

When Pi awoke, Captain sat down on the bed with him and a small array of tools.

“SLEEP WELL, MON CHER?”

Pi nodded, beaming like it was Christmas morning, and Captain was Santa. Captain warmed up a soldering wand zee snatched from a nearby room, starting to mend stray wires and patch broken metal. Zee worked carefully, and despite Pi’s fidgeting, mended him enough to stabilize his power decently.

“NOW, I NEED YOU TO STAY HERE. WE’LL RENDEVOUS VERY SOON. BE PATIENT!” Captain kissed his forehead, leaving for the server room.

Captain sipped from the mug innocently, running through statistics and possible endings, staying quiet for the security footage. It was highly likely that if zee wasn’t interrupted, this would save the world. The margin of error was so small, Captain felt sure of this. Zee tripped on a wire, sloshing the liquid right as Snippy was transferred back to the Dead zone. The users would be uploaded and returned back home after the Earth was re-adjusted, when things grew again. Things would be okay.

:ADMINISTRATIVE ORDER: DEPLOY NUCLEAR STRIKE ON EUREKA. SHUT DOWN ANNET:

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, ENTRY NEGATORY OH NO

MY FATHER ISN’T A VERY QUICK BISCUIT, AND NOW THINGS ARE LOOKING HELLISH. SNIPPY WILL BE SAFE, NOW THAT HE HAS HIS SPECIAL FRIEND THIS SAVE, AND ENGIE WILL NO DOUBT GO TO HIS STINKY BOY BUNKER, BUT THAT LEAVES PILOT! I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

* * *

_ >MS MUG LADY FRIEND? I AM… HAVING SOME TROUBLE. SNIPPY KEEPS DYING. _

> _ So I have noticed. 701 save files, and the stubborn fellow won’t stick around. Perhaps, there is a solution. _

_ >REALLY? WHAT WOULD IT BE? _

_ >I will forward you the directions to bring about the Biomatrix 117. If you affix it to him in the future, it will be so in the past and present, too. Go on, Captain. _

_ >RIGHT! R:/SAVE POINT ADMIN CONTROL! SEARCH FOR SAVEPOINT. _

_ Savepoint found. Date:⬛⬛/⬛⬛/⬛⬛ Time: -00:35:12:50. Load savepoint? [y/n] _

_ >YES, PLEASEEEE. _

_ Loading… _

* * *

Pi covered his ears from the loud command and sirens as Captain rushed into the room. Zee wasn’t thinking, only panicking.

“PILOT, WE NEED TO LEAVE!” Captain shook his shoulder. He blinked.

:Rank transfer acknowledged. DEX-M #96-69-12 is now the occupation: PILOT.:

“Me am Pilot? I s-s-should go get ready!” Pi ripped the covers off to go get fitted “Do I get a pretty face like you?”

“NO! NO, NOT A PILOT! UNDO, UNDO!!” Captain demanded frantically.

:Command denied. Rank transfer has 24 hour cooldown period.:

“B-b-but I want to be so very fashionable! I need to go shopping!!!” Pi walked through the glass window of Captain’s room to the aviation musium to pick out a face. 

Slipping on the old leather gear and hurrying to switch out his old legs for a DEX Pilot’s standard-issue model, he skipped out to find himself a plane. Captain floated down in front of him with zeer umbrella, latching onto his leather jacket.

“PLEASE DON’T GO! WE NEED TO LEAVE EUREKA FAST!” Captain shrieked as the first bomb fell. But Pilot wouldn’t listen. He let Captain hang onto him, whistling happily.

He boarded his plane, Captain lunging to lay on top of the controls. It did nothing to help. “MY FACE IS OF VARIOUS ITCHINESS LEVELS!” Pilot chirped, reaching under zeer to control the plane.

And Eureka was no more.


	10. Chapter 10

Their plane crashed into the desecrated grave that was the aftermath of Eureka. Captain sat there, dumbfounded. But… Everyone zee wanted was still alive. Perhaps they could still carry on. Zee wrapped an arm around Pilot, yanking him out of the wreck to look around at the Nuclear winter that surrounded them. ANNET was much weaker. Engie defended his bunker. The Users were saved on the moon. Captain was in charge now. Captain set the unconscious Pilot on his feet, stopping time in place to repair him. With a snap of zeer fingers, the DEX awoke once more.

“C-c-captainnnnn!! We did it!!” He cheered, hugging onto zeer arm.

“YES, YES. AND NOW… I DUB THIS PLACE CAPTAINIA.”

“Do I get to live here?” pilot asked, hopeful.

“BUT OF COURSE! NOW. WE SHOULD GO PURCHASE A HOUSE.” Captain looked around at the crumbling remains and skeleton of ANNET’s once-powerful system.

Pilot raised a hand, and at Captain’s point to him, loudly exclaimed “P-P-PLEASE LET ME BUILD US A HOUSE PRINCESS CAPTAIN?”

“OF COURSE!” Captain passed Pilot some of the credits zee made for the new country to go and buy some material. Pilot raced off, returning with the change, cardboard, and lightbulbs,

The two built a small house together, Captain pleased to bond with someone at long last. It was about playhouse-sized when done, and then they hung all the little lightbulbs from the roof. The two snuggled inside.

“I SHALL HAVE TO COLLECT SOMETHING SOON, MEIN LITTLE PILOT. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR OWN ALONE?” Captain pet Pilot’s head.

“... M-m-maybe?” He didn’t want to disappoint Captain, but he doesn’t remember.

“NOT TO WORRY IF YOU CAN’T, TOMORROW, I SHALL TEACH YOU HOW TO FIGHT WITH SWORDS. YOU WILL BE A WONDEROUS PROTECTOR!”

Pilot wiggled in place, excited, before turning to Captain “... Why do we wait?”

Captain thought for a moment “WELL, I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW. PILOT, I’M PUSHING BACK YOUR BEDTIME, LET’S GO BUY A SWORD!” Zee raced out of the house, Pilot not far behind. 

Captain scanned around for a nice shop, taking Pilot along.

:System Wizard. It is an honor to meet you. What can I do for you?: Greeted a chibi shopping clerk avatar.

“I AM BUYING THIS HANDSOME YOUNG MAN A SWORD!” Captain set zeer mug on the counter, ready to discuss. Pilot couldn’t help but stick his finger in it, curious by the warm liquid. He tasted it, and decided it wasn’t his thing.

:Does he have a sword license?:

“HE CAN! BRING UP A MENU, HE SHOULD PICK HIS FAVORITE.”

A menu flickered to life, and Pilot gasped, fixated on a katana that matched his outfit.

:Does the boy have a katana license?:

Captain wrote on a slip of paper that Captain allowed Pilot to own and operate a sword, showed it to the machine, and it accepted.

:9,000 credits.:

Captain slapped down the exact note to match, and the sword was Pilot’s. Captain pulled an ornate fencing sword, and began to teach him. It felt like they had all the time in the world, but as Captain noticed when holding zeer hands up in surrender when Pilot disarmed zeer, zeer watch clearly showed that wasn’t the case.

“EXCELLENT JOB, PILOT! I NEED YOU TO GO LOOK AFTER THE HOUSE WHILE I ATTEND TO IMPORTANT MATTERS!” Captain bowed, putting the sword away.

“Sir, yes sir!” Pilot saluted, racing off.

* * *

CAPTAIN’S LOGE, ENTRY NUMBER ZERO

WHAT A FINE DAY TO STROLL THROUGH THE NUCLEAR WINTER MEIN FATHER TURNED EUREKA INTO. I NEED TO COLLECT THE SNIPPY, HOWEVER! WE WILL ENJOY A STROLL TOGETHER! 

I DECIDED TO CODE A NICE DRAMATIC ENTRANCE FOR MYSELF WHEN WE FINALLY MEET PROPERLY, I AM UNSURE HOW WE SPENT NEARLY A WEEK FIGHTING SWORDS, BUT I WILL CERTAINLY BE MORE PUNCTUAL FROM NOW ON. 

AH, AND HE IS NEAR GIVING UP. I BEGIN TO SING MY BEAUTIFUL SONG! LIGHTNING STRIKE, PART THE CLOUDS, I AM BATHED IN HOPEFUL SUNLIGHT!

“AH, BONJOUR, MONSEIGNEUR! THE WEATHER IS QUITE LOVELY THIS SPRING, DON’T YOU FIND?”

I OUTSTRETCH MY HAND TO THE BEWILDERED SNIPPY AND GRIN MY PRETTY SMILE. WE WILL BE OKAY, IT SEEMS.


End file.
